Good evening. It probably isn’t night, but I’m pretending. I’m Method writing, so I can be even more insufferable and have people take me more seriously for some reason. Why the pretention (as if being pretentious wasn’t its own reward?); tonight, I’m reviewing Doritos Late Night Loaded Taco chips. If these names get any longer, they are going to turn into anime titles (I’m looking at you “Reborn as a Vending Machine, I Now Wander the Dungeon”).
It’s an evocative name with Late Night bringing to mind a feeling of a desperate hunger brought upon by a long evening of poor decision making and mood-altering substances. These aren’t the tacos you get at an authentic Mexican restaurant (I’m pretty sure Doritos aren’t legally allowed within five hundred feet of the word “authentic”), these are the cheap tacos you get at a place that rhymes with Taco Bell (being neither poet nor rapper, I’m terrible at rhyming). The kind of taco you’ll find between the cushions of a stoner’s couch and think “meh, why not?” “I’m loaded and it’s a loaded taco, it was meant to be”, and then giggle for a half hour. I may or may not be speaking from experience (Reckless is more than just a clever nickname.)
I should probably explain to my international audience (don’t laugh, they’re real, you just haven’t met them because they live in another country) just what a loaded taco is. Again, I remind you, this has nothing to do with authentic Mexican tacos. Hell, it probably pushes the envelope on “authentic” Tex-Mex cuisine, if such a thing even exists. I have a whole rant about the term “authentic”, but I’ll save that to pad out an article when I can’t think of what to write (yeah, I’m a hack). Loaded in this context means with all the “normal” toppings, namely lettuce, tomatoes, sour cream, taco sauce, and occasionally onions. This is in addition to the minimal ingredients of seasoned meat (if someone serves you a taco with unseasoned ground beef, run, they can’t love you because they don’t love themselves) and cheese.
So, does this mood setting title deliver? It does, I am once again a teenager shoving nine friends into a mid-eighties Volkswagen (I’d tell you the year, but I think I used it as a security question on a website I don’t remember, ten years ago) to drive to the next town over just to get tacos at three in the morning. I also tore off the muffler hitting a speed bump. The 90’s were a wild lawless time.
They truly taste like a loaded taco. And I mean all of it. There is an insane number of distinct flavors on every chip. The seasoned meat, lettuce, and tomatoes are clear as day. Which to be honest is kind of scary, it means they have the technology to make lettuce flavored chips. Thus, I thank them for their kindness and restraint in not doing so. The cheese and sour cream flavors are present, but far more muted and serve as a bridging flavor, if that makes sense. I also debate if I can taste taco sauce, but since taco sauce generally is tomato puree, vinegar, sugar, and the same spices that make up the seasoned meat, its presence or lack may be academic. They aren’t as salty as I expected, roughly the same salt level as most other Doritos. Which probably means they contain enough sodium to turn a camel into jerky, but I don’t read the nutrition labels. One more reason my “nom de gras” (sorry French speakers for mangling your language) is The Reckless Gastronome.
By Martin Peyruc
Found at Harris Teeter
What are you looking down here for, the article is over. Go home. This is where my overseers have commanded me to insert octothorpes (or as the kids call them pound signs.) #TheRecklessGastronome #RecklessGastronome #DoritosLoadedTaco