Mountain Dew Baja Blast Pie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QWYwLSr11k

By Martin Peyruc

The Reckless Gastronome, Life News Today

Two Thousand and Twenty-Five has been a weird year. No, not because of that. Nor because of the other things. Stop guessing and let me finish, it’s because this is the second teal colored food I’ve had this year. It’s like I’m eating my way through a 1950’s Cadillac dealership. To quote Dr. Doofenshmirtz, “…it’s not a lot, but it’s weird it’s happened twice.” The first was Nuka Cola Quantum (see my Vault-Tec Supply article, but I know you my loyal readers have already done so) and now Mountain Dew Baja Blast Pie. I feel like the intrusive thoughts won, and people have decided to drink the blue lava lamp. (Why would they have a bottle cap on top if you ren’t meant to open them?)

Those of you who live outside the United States may be unfamiliar with the culinary palace that is Taco Bell (enjoy it while you can; in the future, after the Franchise Wars, all restaurants will be Taco Bell) but it is an American Tex-Mex (sorry, they call it Mexican-inspired, which is like saying Pizza Hot Pockets are Italian-inspired) fast-food chain. One of its keys to its success (now and presumably in the future year of 2032) is its formerly exclusive hold on Mountain Dew Baja Blast and its continued partnership. Taco Bell used to be owned by PepsiCo which makes it kind of like a relative to Mountain Dew (help me, step-company, I’m stuck in this declining market.) The name seems almost a joke, “baja” can be directly translated as “lower”, and considering how many Americans claim to suffer after eating at Taco Bell it feels like a knowing wink. Sure, it claims to be named after the Mexican state known for its surfing, but we know better. 

Baja Blast hit the market in 2004 as a Taco Bell exclusive, where it proved to be a hit and developed a strong following. It stayed a fountain only beverage until 2014 when it had a limited time run in stores. In 2016 it lost the fan contest to become a permanent flavor against Mountain Dew Pitch Black, which was quickly discontinued due to poor sales (democracy didn’t have a good run in 2016.) After that it would become a summer only release with a number of variations including a zero-sugar version, an alcoholic version (because I know I need more energy when I’m making bad life choices), an energy drink (see above), and a number of flavors which really didn’t have any connection other than the name. In 2024 Pepsi decided that it would become a permanent addition to store shelves.

Traditional Mountain Dew is described as citrus flavored, namely lemon with orange undertones, which is surprising because I always thought it was squeezed out of the sweat rags from X-Games contestants. Baja Blast, on the other hand, is touted as being Tropical Lime flavor, and is said to have mango undertones. Which has confused me since all limes are considered tropical, so it’s probably like wild cherry (play that funky music) not actually being feral cherry flavor. As a public service message, I want to remind my fellow gamers that Mountain Dew, citrus irrespective, does not have Vitamin C, so let’s be sure to avoid scurvy (also take a shower once in a while.)

Now onto the main course, or dessert if you will. First, I have to confess, I find Baja Blast to be vile. In writing this article I thought it important to see how the pie compares to the soda, since I hadn’t had it in quite a while, and now I remember why. It is pancreas crushingly sweet. I could tape a bag of sugar to my face and it eat it like a horse’s feed bag and it still wouldn’t be as cloying. To make matters worse, the taste lingers. Also, I hate to use the term chemically, mostly because it is technically correct (the best kind of correct) to say that everything is made out of chemicals, but this has clearly been crafted by the rubber gloved hand of science. I don’t have high hopes for the pie, but in for a penny, in for a pound.

After thawing the pie (it is sold frozen, and they oh so helpfully, put the thawing instructions on the bottom of the box, so you have to turn it upside down to read, thanks) and unsealing it (there may have been some chanting in Latin) from its shrink wrap and then its clear carapace (and staring at it’s unearthly color) the first scent is the crème with just a hint of citrus. Not a strong opening, but I’ll accept that a freshly thawed pie isn’t going to smell like much. Then, with trembling hand, I portioned out a small wedge. I’m struck by how thick the filling is. No wonder they felt safe putting the instructions on the bottom, this is clearly a pie without fear of gravity. The taste, after an initial zing of citric acid is surprisingly acceptable, it wasn’t overly sweet (which is to say sure it’s sweet, it’s still a pie.) It tastes like a knockoff key lime pie. The sort that was still available in the mid-eighties, dyed Constructicon green (because green equals lime obviously, regardless of what nature thought) and probably never came within throwing distance of an actual key lime. The crème (probably something freezer stable along the lines of Cool Whip, or hWhip, if you prefer) helps keep it balanced, preventing the sour from building to much. The crust is a fairly mushy graham cracker variety, without much flavor and certainly not helping with the texture. If anything, texture is my greatest complaint about the pie (I’ve moved past the color, even if it does look like it would be the third color choice for a Star Fleet leotard.) It's all thick, but not dense, and greasy, like they dyed and flavored a mock pie out of shortening. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but it certainly does feel like something designed to be shelf stable.

Not the worst pie I’ve eaten, but let’s be honest, it’s not about eating it. It’s meant to be a conversation piece. It’s edible (for the most part) pop art. When I tried to order it at first from my local Taco Bell, the manager had to be summoned to figure out how to ring it up. According to him, each store only got a dozen each and even though there was a sign, you had to order it directly from a person, not the kiosk system that has taken the place of minimal human interaction. Even the website talks about bringing it to Friendsgiving and how it’s about bragging rights to have scored one.

Found exclusively and in very limited quantities at Taco Bell.