Cheetos The Flavor of Fear
Boo! Did the Reckless Gastronome scare you? No, of course not, it’s not really possible to transfer the jump scare experience to the written word. Which is just as well, since I’m a twitchy guy and I collapse like a fainting goat if I get startled. It actually scares the people that scare me even more, so it kind of works its way back around to be funny. Spooky season is once again upon us (assuming I get this written and published in a timely manner, which I probably won’t, so happy Groundhog Day?) (assuming I get this written and published in a timely manner, which I probably won’t, so happy Groundhog Day?) and that means we are going to see more things related to horror, fear, and other less talked about sensations, although probably not tenesmus (which is the feeling of needing to go to the bathroom, weren’t you happier not knowing that?).
Cheetos decided to go with that most primal of feelings, fear. “But what is fear?” I can’t hear you asking, I’m not Facebook. (It would be pretty weird if you are talking out loud and expecting me to hear you.) The dictionary defines it as the anticipation of danger and pain, but I don’t really think that goes far enough. Aristotle claimed it was “a pain arising from the imagination of imminent evil”, and Eastern philosophies view it as issue relating to attachments (yeah, the Jedi borrowed that bit) and ignorance. More modern thinkers like Sartre considered it as arising from consciousness of uncertainty, and others view it as feeling a lack of control. All of these feel right, but also seem incomplete. We may never truly define fear and the tenesmus it causes (you didn’t think I wasn’t going use that word again, did you?), but we all know it when we feel it and Cheetos are hoping we will know it when we taste it too.
If we can’t fully define fear, then how can we decide what flavors exemplify it? Well, there are those with a certain brain phenomenon (I hope you appreciate how hard it is to avoid making a neuro-spicy joke) known as Emotional-Gustatory Synesthesia that may help shed some light. People with EGS (it’s not shortened this way normally, but I don’t want to type it out each time) will perceive emotions as flavors. While particular emotional-taste pairing can vary by person, most commonly describe fear as tasting sharp and metallic. Weirdly enough, the tears shed by fear have more copper ions so they would taste slightly more metallic (not sure how these tears for fears were collected, maybe someone had to shout, shout, let it all out).
So, did Cheetos take all this into consideration while designing this flavor? Probably not, sorry I was just navel gazing and probably wasted all your time (but what were you going to use it for anyway, being a productive member of society? Pish posh). Instead, they came up with “Sweet Phantom Heat”. The “Sweet” is from cinnamon and brown sugar, the “Heat” is from dried red pepper and probably other types of pepper, but the Phantom aspect is what truly makes it interesting. That comes from Sichuan (also spelled Szechuan) peppercorns. They are known for producing a numbing tingling sensation quite unlike any other pepper. That’s because despite the name, they aren’t peppers at all. They are neither in the Peppercorn family (black pepper and the like), nor the Chili Pepper family (jalapeño, serrano, Anthony Kiedis, etc.) but rather the citrus family. Distant cousins perhaps, different genera, so they can’t crossbreed (which is for the best, a Sichuan grapefruit would kill you), but still related.
Now for the main event, the actual review. Opening the bag, one could easily be fooled, the smell is deceptively sweet, mostly just cinnamon, but if you take a big whiff, you can tell there is more under the surface. Visually, the puffs (it’s puff Cheetos, not the crunchy type) are a deep red with a slight hint of presidential orange underneath. I’ll admit, they look a bit menacing, but I am a professional (sort of), I’ll soldier on. I took my first bite in front of the Life News Today crew, and according to them my face shifted through every possible combination of expressions and I said “umm, wow” so many times they couldn’t tell if I was enjoying it or not. So, let’s start off with saying this is certainly one of the most original flavors I’ve ever had (original is never a good sign, it’s the “lovely personality” of the food world). There is a flash of sweet from the cinnamon and brown sugar, but it doesn’t let you get comfortable with it before the heat rolls in. As the heat begins there is a slight delay before the numbing starts. It creates an odd tingling sensation that lets the heat sink deeper. It is certainly the most Sichuan pepper (you can drop the “corns” part of the name, it’s optional) forward food I’ve had in “Western” cuisine, although it loses the floral notes that traditionally come from the fresh ground spice. I was expecting a lot of heat, and while there is a fair amount, it is the numbing effect that caught me by surprise. It kind of reminds me of licking a 9-volt battery after taking a shot of hot sauce (I used to go to some weird parties).
Since I typically have a hard time with spicy food, I thought it important to get some more opinions, so I smuggled a bag into a local bar (sorry, Jimmy’s Old Town Tavern, I know I’m not supposed to bring outside food in, but I’m a scofflaw). Opinions were evenly divided (which I was not expecting), with those enjoying them slightly in the lead. I found that those who generally like spicy food were more likely to say the cinnamon was stronger. Some even thought it would make a good breakfast food (I’ve since reported those people to the local sanatorium). My favorite quote though, was that they were like “Satan’s own churros”, and this was from one of the people that liked it.
I guess I’m afraid the Flavor of Fear doesn’t do it for me, but I do appreciate that they are tying new flavors and experimenting with new sensations for food. I think using Sichuan pepper was an inspired choice and combining it with cinnamon works really well (that’s two of the parts of Chinese five spice blend, so it’s not really new ground, but it’s certainly new for a Cheetos). If anything, I think the capsaicin burn (that’s the active component of chili peppers) lets it down a bit. There are other spices that cause a burning sensation. How about the burn from raw garlic, or ginger, or the one I would most like to see, cinnamon red hots. They probably won’t engender fear, but there is a kind of existential dread in not fully reaching your full potential, and that is scary, right?
Found at Target, Walmart, and wherever I sneak a bag in.
The Reckless Gastronome
Martin Peyruc Reporter
Life News Today
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